If it had been up to Mary Hayes, she would have just canceled Christmas. “I would have put a paper bag over my head on December 1, crawled under the bed, and hidden out until Christmas was over. Fred, my husband of seventeen years, had died in April, and I could hardly stand the talk about hope and expectation, let alone the holly-jolly, joy-to-the-world celebration of Christmas.” Grief can debilitate a person in ordinary times. In extraordinary times, such as the holidays, it can obliterate.
Her experience is a common one among those who grieve the death of a loved one during the holidays. While others are lighthearted, festive and joyful, the bereaved struggle with the season of celebrations from Thanksgiving through New Years Day. If you or a loved one is grieving this season, here are 6 tips to help you through the holidays.
Focus on the Life
It’s possible to elevate holiday joy while lowering holiday sadness simply by placing attention on memories of times together instead of the absence of the loved one. After Jo Ann Compton’s daughter, Laurie Ann, was killed, Jo Ann didn’t change a single thing in her daughter’s room. And she spent the next ten years in heavy grief. Her despair was so deep and all-consuming that Jo Ann began planning suicide.
Fortunately, before she could through with her plan, she was invited to appear on a television program with American psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw. As she spoke about her loss to Dr. Phil and his television audience, Dr. Phil offered an insight that changed her life. He looked at her and said, “Your daughter lived eighteen vibrant and wonderful years, yet you’re focusing on the day of her death rather than celebrating the events of her life.” Recognizing the wisdom, Jo Ann shed tears of relief, saying, “I never thought of it that way before.”
Be Real – Be Flexible
The first holiday after a loved one has died will definitely be different. You and your family should acknowledge and accept this and be flexible about how you will celebrate. You may wish to observe the holiday in familiar ways or you may opt to change things up this year.
Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., a bereavement expert and author of Healing Your Holiday Grief: 100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration during the Holiday Season, offers these insights: “Because you’re in mourning this year, you may not feel like ‘doing’ holidays at all. That’s an understandable thought! But your family’s holiday traditions are an important part of your shared history as well as your continuing lives. You may find yourself wanting to celebrate as you always have for memory’s sake. You might also consider simplifying your holiday rituals instead of abandoning them altogether. Keep the traditions that matter most to you and set the others aside, at least for now. Instead of hosting a formal sit-down dinner, for example, have a buffet potluck or ask someone else to host the dinner. Use disposable plates instead of your good china.”
Ask for Help
Remind yourself of these 2 realities: First, you are grieving, and grieving is exhausting. Second, there are people in your life who want to be helpful. The holidays are a significant time to ask for help. There’s nothing wrong with getting some assistance. Rachel Kodanaz, author of Living with Loss: One Day at a Time, notes: “Why is it so difficult for us to ask for help?…The truth is, people around you want to help so desperately. They would do anything to lessen the pain in your heart and the stress the loss has created. They ask you to call if you need anything, but you are reluctant to call…I would gently suggest that you try keeping a list of tasks you could use some assistance with, and next time your friends call and ask what they can do for you, look at your list and ask for help.
Nurture Your Spiritual Side
The holidays revolve around spiritual themes, so use this time to nurture yourself in spiritual ways. Even if your faith feels fragile right now, there are practices that can help your spirit feel stronger and more at peace, such as:
- GRATITUDE: The simple act of intentionally expressing gratitude downsizes feelings of negativity and sadness. Focus on the many positives that still remain in your life, such as health, friends, food, a comfortable home, etc.
- NATURE: Getting outside into the natural world lifts the spirits.
- ACCEPTANCE: Slowly, quietly striving to accept life’s changes and challenges will help take the edge off anxieties.
Know When to Seek Professional Help
The majority of people grieve “successfully,” meaning that grief symptoms gradually fade and they regain the joy of living. However, for some people, bereavement lingers and deepens, leaving the person in a heightened state of mourning. This is called “complicated grief.” According to the staff at the Mayo Clinic, signs of complicated grief can include:
- Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one
- Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
- Problems accepting the death
- Numbness or detachment
- Bitterness over your loss
- Isolation from others and withdrawal from social activities
- Depression, deep sadness, or guilt
- Belief that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
If you experience some of these signs, seek out guidance from a professional grief therapist. Remind yourself there is no shame in seeking help. Just as you would see a physician for a broken bone or physical illness, you may need to see a professional to help you achieve healing during your bereavement.
Make a Difference
Doing something for someone has 2 benefits. First, it makes you feel better. Second, it takes the focus off your own pain and provides a respite from your grief. You can volunteer through a local church or charity, or personally seek out someone you know who is going through a hard time.
Another simple way to make a difference is to donate to a church or charity in honor of the one who has died. For example, “Many churches decorate for the holidays with poinsettias to memorialize loved ones. So that may be the first step to honor your loved one(s) in your faith community,” says Harold Ivan Smith, author of A Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others Are Celebrating.
“And you may decide to contribute to some of the charities and causes your loved one was committed to,” writes Smith. “You may want to send a donation to a medical foundation researching the disease your loved one died of. On the memo line of the check write, “In memory of [Name], the greatest [friend, son, daughter, wife, husband or so on] in the world.’ Also, your contribution does not have to be in cash. You could do some volunteer work as well.”
How to Help a Grieving Friend during the Holidays
The most important thing you can do is to love your friend. Show your love, speak your love, be a loving presence during the holidays. Here are a few ways you can do that:
1 – Support the way they choose to celebrate whether it’s low-key or elaborate.
2 – Mail a thoughtful holiday card with a handwritten note acknowledging how difficult the holidays can be. Include a memory you have of their loved one.
3 – Offer practical help: cook, bake, clean, decorate, run errands, address card, etc.
4 – Listen respectfully. Let them talk, vent, and express themselves. Don’t judge.
5- Include the griever in your holiday. Invite them for a holiday tea, a meal, to a concert, or to a church service.
6 – Make a donation in memory of the person who has died.
From the magazine, Vibrant Life, and written by author Jay Sheen.
